We now know that the desire to become attached to a partner is a natural human drive. And according to the new science of attachment, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
1) ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.
2) AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness.
3) SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognise the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship. Packed with fascinating psychology and case studies from successful - and unsuccessful - couples you can discover how to avoid the Anxious-Avoidant trap, why Secures can partner any type and how to love the Secure way.
Attached is your road map to the perfect match and lasting love.
According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Levine and social psychologist Heller, one s adult romantic partnerships have patterns similar to those one has as a child with one s parents. Our individual attachment styles are thus, they conclude, hardwired into our brains. Focusing on three main attachment styles (secure, anxious, and avoidant), the authors explain the biological facts behind our relationship needs, teach readers how to identify their own and loved ones attachment styles, and warn of the emotional price of connecting with someone with drastically different intimacy needs. Teaching readers communication skills to breach these differences, the authors stress that people have very different capacities for intimacy, and that partners must ensure each other s emotional well-being. Chock-full of tips, questionnaires, and case studies, this is a solidly researched and intriguing approach to the perennial trials of looking for love in all the right places and improving existing relationships.
Wish I had read this sooner
Wow it was like reading a diary of my past relationship! Scary how on point it was. I feel so much more prepared for the nrcg one and this information is invaluable.
Whilst I originally purchased the book to delve deeper into the theory of attachment, I found this, by far, the most compelling evidence to contradict popular dating advice to date.
Self-help masquerading as science
My psychologist recommended this book to me as a way of better understanding my own behaviour in relationships. While I thought the book was an adequate primer on attachment theory, I also found that it left much to be desired.
Rather than focusing on the science and research behind attachment theory, the authors waste a lot of time on simplistic examples that only serve to illustrate their preconceived conclusions. The book spends far too much time on the 'anxious' attachment style, and basically reads like a self-help/dating guide for people who fall into this category. A key element of this seems to be vilifying people with the 'avoidant' style, and lionising people with the 'secure' attachment style.
As someone who would be characterised as avoidant I was hoping that this book would not only give me some insight into my behaviour, but also provide some practical advice on how to overcome these issues. Instead I felt that the book only discusses 'avoidants' in order to highlight why we're so unattractive as potential partners, and to provide red flags for 'secure' and 'anxious' individuals to avoid.
The condescension of the author was actually quite irritating, and especially so because they often refer to 'we' and 'us' as if we're all in this together, yet never divulge any of their own personal experience.
Self-help masquerading as science. Would not recommend.